Trump's Gettysburg Address
Four score and…a lotta years ago. A lot. A lot. I’m talking a whole bunch’a years. Our fathers did this really HUGE thing. I mean, it was tremendous, dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now I said men, not Muslims, Hispanics, African-Americans, women, (especially that fat pig Rosie O’Donnell), and vets who got caught. By the way, these people love me. I hired a lot of them.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war. I’m talking HUGE. I only do big. Look at my buildings. This war could have been avoided if we had a wall, and you know who you have to blame? James Buchanan and Franklin Pierce…Worst. Presidents. Ever. I mean really, really bad. Let me tell you what they also did not do. They never tweeted. It’s a great way to communicate, and these guys didn’t, can you believe?
We are met here on a great battlefield of that war. I’m going to call it Trump Battlefield. It’s gonna be absolutely the best battlefield you ever saw. And the Mexicans are going to pay for it.
The world better remember what I say here, and ought to forget what the soldiers did. I love veterans, but I prefer ones who live.
But let’s make the Union great again. It’ll be tremendous. And we’ll have a government of the best people around. A government of Christie, Gingrich, Giuliani, by these guys, and for the people, that shall not perish from the earth. Melania suggested that last phrase; she borrowed it from somewhere. Hey, what about Melania? I like to surround myself with bee-yootiful women.
Kenneth T. Zemsky teaches constitutional law at Rutgers and is the author of the recently released To the Close of the Age, a novel about two time travelers who visit 33 A.D. to see if Jesus really rose from the dead.