I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE ST. PATRICK’S DAY
Christmas Day 2015 in the Hudson Valley was in the 60’s and I wore a t-shirt, so there was no chance of a white Christmas. A few weeks later, the weather people predicted a blizzard for the Martin Luther King holiday weekend. Employing his rapier wit, a wag in the office knowing of my affinity for the Bing Crosby-Danny Kaye classic hummed a few bars of “I’m Dreaming of a White Martin Luther King Day”. Another person overheard and suggested this could be construed to be racist. No. No, it was not. It was funny. If the storm hit later and the person sang, “I’m Dreaming of a White St. Patrick’s Day”, would that have cleansed any latent racism?
The problem is the PC censor inmates are running the asylum, raising the question: how far do we go? Accordingly, allow me to make a few humble suggestions (and in so doing demonstrate no racism, latent or otherwise). My suggestions are as follows:
The very phrase “White Christmas” is inherently politically incorrect. Doesn’t it connote that Christmas is the sole province of the Caucasian race? Moreover, isn’t the very invocation of Christmas arguably insensitive? Verily, in the future all prints of Bing’s movie and all uses of the phrase should be re-worked as follows—“I’m dreaming of a multicultural holiday season, just like the ones I should have known had society been more tolerant and broad-minded.” The revised lyrics may not fit the music, but you can’t have everything.
A constitutional convention should be called to re-write the Declaration of Independence. The offending phrase, “All men are created equal” must be officially re-worked to say: “All, men, women, children, members of the LGBT community, regardless of race, creed, national origin or sexual orientation are created equal and/or entitled to equal opportunity immediately upon creation, or more properly upon the culmination of the evolutionary process.” While we are at it, the phrase “Founding Fathers” should be expunged from all school textbooks and in its place “Founding Persons” inserted.
The history books must be re-written to reflect political sensitivities, while remaining truthful. To start with: the Civil War. There was nothing civil about it. People were killing each other. Hence my re-worked summary: “In 1861 an Uncivil Conflict began. It was waged over disputes involving the degree of human rights to be accorded individuals, regardless of race, creed, national origin or sexual orientation. Some states believed in greater human autonomy and some believed in lesser autonomy. The latter states armed their soldiers with gray uniforms, though black, white or any multi-color hue would have been equally acceptable. They also adopted a patch of cloth as their banner, that was derivative of the traditional American flag, but that is best never to be displayed. After several years of mild turmoil, the states again banded together, though the conflict ended in sadness as a mentally disadvantaged person who had been denied universal health care with its attendant opportunities for psychological counseling, exercised his Second Amendment rights at the expense of President Lincoln.” Admittedly no one will know what the hell happened, but there will be no ruffled feathers.
Oh believe me I can go on, as long as there are electrons powering my word processor.
Ken Zemsky is the author or the soon-to-be published historical novel, The Nation’s Hope. You can follow him at KennethTZemsky.com.