WHEN I GET TO HEAVEN, I'M GOING TO GIVE GOD HELL

I have a few bones to pick with the Creator of All Things. When we come face-to-face in the hereafter, here are a few things to get off my chest.

1. This illness-suffering-death thing…How in the heck Lord did You ever think that was a good idea? Couldn’t You come up with a much less stressful way for us to enter into salvation? Maybe the fiery chariot that took Elijah the prophet up into heaven?

2. The Lord moves in mysterious ways. If I want a good mystery, I’ll pick up an Agatha Christie book. A little less subtlety would be appreciated. If You popped Your head out of the clouds once in a while, it sure would send a powerful message here on earth. Certainly a lot of bad people would have to think twice.

3. Speaking of bad people, why is it that so many of them are hugely successful here on earth? I know they will reap their just desserts at the heavenly gate, but couldn’t we accelerate their damnation or tamp down their riches at the present time?

4. Closely related to the preceding idea, I know scripture says that You send Your rain on the just and the unjust. The problem is it just ain’t so. The unjust steal the umbrellas from the just and guess who are the only ones who get harmed? Just something to think about the next time You create a universe.

5. As for scripture, that part about loving thy enemies…Couldn’t You have built in a mulligan? You know, people should love their enemies, but we are allowed three targets to hate.

6. Come to think of it, regarding scripture, the Bible is 611,000 words long. That is three times the size of Moby Dick and I couldn’t get through that (spoiler alert, the fish wins). Ever heard of Readers’ Digest?

7. In case You haven’t noticed, there are hordes of religious fundamentalists who think flying jet aircraft into our buildings fulfills their deity’s will. Can you straighten their god out? Could be a good time to smite the heathen. Just saying.

8. Giraffes. What’s the point?

9. Liturgically speaking, Christmas is by far the shortest season of the year. Great! The one time of the year when people are spontaneously cheerful and joyous and we abbreviate the timeline. 10. I cannot hit curve balls. Do You realize how much I could have made if You had provided me just the teensiest extra bit of God-given talent? Not only that, you know I am charitable. Hey, at 10% of my would-have-been gross, together we’d have raked in a bundle…and all for a good cause! COMING TOMORROW: GOD’S ANSWER